i wrote this down four months ago.

All I have is questions right now – no answers.

Do we ever really get all the answers?

I don’t think we do.

It’s hard to be okay with that.

waiting and waiting and waiting..

i am not a patient person – anyone who knows me can tell you this. i believe my impatient nature is a trait which i have inherited from my father, one of the most impatient men i know. at any rate, it is still a character trait which i constantly struggle with and have struggled with for quite sometime.

i know that waiting is a good thing – because i have seen, in my own life and in the lives of others, the positive outcomes that result from waiting. good things come to those who wait, right? usually, this is the case. not everything needs to happen according to my rapid timing. i realize that my brain is constantly working on overdrive, and usually much faster than most people’s (maybe it’s all the caffeine…), and therefore, i am always thinking about things i want to happen, or need to happen, or should happen. and i rarely stop to breathe – i just want what i want now.

but waiting is hard. and why? because, when you’re waiting for something, you have to trust, and when you have to trust, it means that you are not in control of what happens, and being out of control freaks us out – it scares the hell out of us, actually. so we become scared and impatient, and we anxiously and haphazardly try to fix a situation according to what we want. and usually, this is what screws everything up.

not everything that happens to us should happen in our own timing – in fact, i would venture to say that most of the meaningful events that have occurrred in my life happened when i was least expecting them, or when i wasn’t trying at all to orchestrate the details. i was unknowingly waiting for these things to happen, and they did happen – all on their own timing.

some things are out of our control – and shouldn’t they be? shouldn’t some things (most things, really) be left up to someone else to decide how and when they happen?

i know that waiting is good. and i know that my timing is never anywhere close to as great as God’s timing has, is, and will be.

there is joy in waiting; there is peace; there is reassurance that everything is going to work out they way it should, when it should.

find comfort in the waiting. sit back, take a deep breath, and relax.

you will not have to wait forever.

“He has made everything beautiful in his time.”

.ecclesiastes 3:11.

time for a good rant…

ok, so i think the best time to rant is when you’re not fully angry, but relatively calm and trying to see things rationally and logically (yes, i do realize that makes no sense) at any rate, this is sort of one of those times.

why does conflict exist and how do we overcome it? how do you make someone understand where you’re coming from without completely insulting them or having them take it personally? if we could all just get along, that would be great – but we can’t. so we’re left to figure things out as best as we can. i like to think of myself as someone who does her best to resolve conflict in a mature, unselfish manner – but let’s face it, i’m human, i’m sinful, and sometimes – i screw up.

and it really does go back to being selfish, doesn’t it? in any conflict, we are usually fighting for our own agenda, and not necessarily considering the other person. but what is the point? what are we fighting for? why do we care so much? how do we resolve the unresolvable?

i prefer closure and resolution. i want things to reach some sort of end, or purpose. i want things to work out, and overall, i want everyone to be relatively content with the resolution of an uncomfortable, conflictual situation. in my life, i do want to live at peace with people, as much as i possibly can.

is this really too much to ask?

a good reminder

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

.ephesians4:17-32. 

randomocity

i have no central thought right now. a few ideas are jumping around in my head, but nothing coherent, it seems.

i don’t understand the desire we have to constantly be entertained and amused and never bored. i guess it is a desire that stems from our utter and relentless selfishness.

i wish i knew what it was like to live for someone other than myself, because i don’t think that a decent percentage of my life has been spent doing so.

i’m very good at justifying things, but i also overanalyze situations like crazy, so it’s not very easy for me to live without guilt or remorse or concern for my actions.  what i do matters and what i don’t do matters.

but at the same time, i’m lazy and i struggle to make changes when it’s easier to just stay the same.

perhaps i lack motivation because i have too many reasons to stay in my comfortable little bubble of self-fulfilling objects and people and places and things and luxuries.

what would get me out of that bubble? what would force me to think of someone other than myself, for once?

i am capable of so much more than i realize – actually, God is capable, and i need to be more willing. that is the problem.

but im selfish. it all stems from that, doesnt it?

i’m rude to others because they are rude to me and i feel upset. i get defensive because i feel hurt or offended. i serve myself first because it makes me feel better.

 i feel, i feel, i feel.

maybe it’s time to stop thinking and stop caring about how i feel and start focusing on what’s right, no matter how it makes me feel.

it’s supposed to hurt, right? sometimes, it does. but not enough.

i want it to hurt more.