i have no central thought right now. a few ideas are jumping around in my head, but nothing coherent, it seems.
i don’t understand the desire we have to constantly be entertained and amused and never bored. i guess it is a desire that stems from our utter and relentless selfishness.
i wish i knew what it was like to live for someone other than myself, because i don’t think that a decent percentage of my life has been spent doing so.
i’m very good at justifying things, but i also overanalyze situations like crazy, so it’s not very easy for me to live without guilt or remorse or concern for my actions. what i do matters and what i don’t do matters.
but at the same time, i’m lazy and i struggle to make changes when it’s easier to just stay the same.
perhaps i lack motivation because i have too many reasons to stay in my comfortable little bubble of self-fulfilling objects and people and places and things and luxuries.
what would get me out of that bubble? what would force me to think of someone other than myself, for once?
i am capable of so much more than i realize – actually, God is capable, and i need to be more willing. that is the problem.
but im selfish. it all stems from that, doesnt it?
i’m rude to others because they are rude to me and i feel upset. i get defensive because i feel hurt or offended. i serve myself first because it makes me feel better.
i feel, i feel, i feel.
maybe it’s time to stop thinking and stop caring about how i feel and start focusing on what’s right, no matter how it makes me feel.
it’s supposed to hurt, right? sometimes, it does. but not enough.
i want it to hurt more.